Maintaining Essence

I'm not sure what true love means, but I believe in truly loving someone. Without remorse or obligation. Or pain or regret. A future that's filled with promise and hope. Not unnecessary suffering or guilt. Where two people respect each other and grow together. And challenge the other to excel in what they love most. To encourage each other to be their ideal self. To try new things and be a part of the human condition, not separate from it. To give back more than what we have been given. Embracing difficulty with a cool attitude and a steady gaze. Rid yourself of things in your life that don’t serve your well being and happiness.

There is so much ahead. I've learned to maintain my essence through so much hardship. I wear my battle scars with honor. Those near impossible circumstances have not taken an ounce of my core, but have allowed me to find new ways to strengthen it. I stand with gratitude and real pride. I am a woman warrior who has learned if we don’t overcome our conflicts, and free ourselves from the boundaries these conflicts create, we are merely repeating the struggle.

Your environment should be fueled by high expectation of self coupled with hard work and responsibility for your own actions and for your feelings. When we cultivate a higher sense of self worth, based on the standards we set for ourselves, there’s a greater sense of being part of humanity that inspires one to give back on a larger scale. The old adage goes something like – it’s not how long we are here but what we did while we were here that matters. A warrior’s duty is to guard passions and desires, that they may find a way to be channeled creatively towards a higher purpose. I strive for grace and selflessness every day. And the courage to defend my right to seek truth in everything.

Steel Your Spine

I had the extreme good fortune of hearing our vice president Joe Biden speak last night at a gathering for Senator Barbara Boxer. While describing the Senator’s character to us, he reminded me of what I’ve known for a long time. In times of real struggle and turmoil, only then can great change occur. Change cannot happen if you sit stagnant. What he admires most about her, he said, is her gut. Gut guides the heart. Together they work with the mind to make intelligent decisions. I realized then how complicated I had let my life become. I stood there, wiping the tears from eyes. Steel your spine, he said. We can get through this. And I know he’s right.

He told us when he was a young boy, his father had to make that difficult climb up the stairs to inform Joe that he had lost his job. And that Joe would have to live with his grandmother while his father found work in the neighboring town. He relayed the difficulty his father faced in having to ask such a favor of his own mother. There are so many who have sacrificed so much. Those fighting and dying in a current war, those who have lost their homes, others struggling for their right to legally call themselves Americans. The perspective is always sobering.

I wiped another tear from my eye and that’s when I heard it - the call of a female hawk. She came out of nowhere and flew above our heads. Her white and black patterned chest stood out against the clear, blue sky. A second later, the red- tailed male soared after her. His wings were broad, eyes piercing into mine as I stared, stunned. To have not one, but two hawks fly so close to you.. and chase each other playfully! In that magical moment, I missed my beautiful man. And the life we are to have together if we keep focused on what’s important. We both have lived full lives already. Soon, it would be time to build a family of our own. I raised my head and felt capable of taking better care.

Overcome

Recently, I spent time in New York for an important national holiday. I found myself enveloped in the good company of old friends who understand what the time and distant apart means to each and every one of us. The volume in the room gave it away. We were happy to be together and grateful for the freedom we all felt. There was so much delicious food and wine. One girl even made a fresh wild berry pie that had to be the best I’d ever had in my life. There was so much sharing and laughter, I was reminded how much I truly enjoy the adventure my life is.

There’s been so much to overcome this year. It’s difficult to stay positive all the time. Each of us, as individuals, must figure out our own paths. But we must also recognize that there are others right beside us on the same journey. With enough trust, those nearest and dearest to us can show us how to make it work! I’ve resisted being told what to do my entire life. When I have reached out to others, I have allowed myself to absorb their good intentions and receive their smart advice. We are here to share with one another more than anything else. We don’t have to live alone. Because the only thing that matters is how we connect with each other. It’s vital to our happiness, our health, and the survival of the human race on this planet.

I never used to think life was all that hard, until it neared impossible. I was always able to see beyond the pain of regret and loss, and feel strength in the knowing that I can overcome anything. I thought that’s why I’m special. But that’s what makes all of us special. So today, and each day, I will start to make more of a concerted effort with those around me. To be kind. To listen. And to give back whenever there is something to give. I want to take part in the shift that must occur for us all to get back to a place of love and resourcefulness. It feels better than anything else I can think of.

RIDE FREE

I don’t lie. I don’t steal. I’m not a cheat, I wasn’t raised that way. I like to play tough, but really I'm sensitive and vulnerable.. and I'm tired of suffering FOOLS.

In fact, I was raised to give it like you get it. And I got it GOOD. I spent years being generous because I was blessed with a smart brain (and I protected it) that configured a very clever way of making money. That money was hard to get, but well earned. And because it was honest money, and I was making a lot of it, I gave. Loaned money to many – never under the guise that it was free - always with the understanding it would be paid back when times turned around for my trusted friends.

Times turned. The money hasn’t been paid back. I struggle. It's hard. But one thing I do know - taking a different road home sheds new light on things. Driving with abandon down strange streets, accelerating into the unknown, makes me feel free again. Roads appear you never knew existed. The path home, once so familiar, has a street named Irolo.

People will let you down. But keeping an open outlook feels better than harboring resentment. Better to ride free...

Gifts we give ourselves

This was one of those weeks. Life altering, big changes.

As I waited for my friends to arrive at said destination, in lieu of all the hardships I’ve faced this year, I reminded myself of what I have most.. in spades. Character. I asked myself, What is real character? Character, to me, is facing the odds with integrity. It’s getting the job done with an unrelenting passion and an unwavering positive outlook. I’m not talking about Prozac Nation phoniness. But insurmountable odds met with manifesting capacity for greatness. I paced the streets, in thought. I was happy for the moment to myself, to take stock in what I mean to ME. I have chosen a path that refuses compromise to my integrity.

Let me explain. For many years, I foraged my way through the streets of NYC. I was very young, had no real idea of who I was, what I could become. But one thing I knew for sure – I wanted to be the best version of myself. And I became an articulate, well-rounded individual with real edge. I was being exposed to every day situations that demanded moment’s notice action. I learned, through practice, to trust my instinct. It’s the greatest tool we have, underrated by miles. And something that - once cultivated- will never let you down. Not ever. After all – it’s coming from deep inside of you. It’s there to protect YOU.

After years of practice, I branched out to others, a natural recourse. If you aren’t sharing, what exactly are you doing? Friends and family came to depend on me. When I said I’d be somewhere, I’d be there. A situation arose that needed problem solving, I was there, front and center. To listen. Divide and conquer. Or step back and reevaluate together. Always a higher path for each and every one of us. We shouldn't ever live in conflict or misery. Hurting is horrible.. It was my honor to give back. I felt within my core, I had learned.

Now, the body is composed of many things, the heart being the trickiest of them all. Within this last year, I followed that muscle because of the years I spent without romantic love. I went backwards to a past love. In my mind it was a sure thing. We both loved each other deeply already. This would be easy.

It wasn’t. And it had to end. For the sake of both parties involved. Losing that sure thing was a blow to the head with a brick, but essential to my growth. We were both losing. To know when to cut your losses is as important as sensing a good thing and diving. Our lives - lived fully - must have both! In the end, knowing the difference is the battle. Which one you wage is up to you.

Tonight, I found myself in the presence of great minds. Not bogged down by so much grief and angst. No jealousy for my successful week rained on my parade. I was open and alive and for the first time in a long while – myself. The ‘me’ that has traversed many roads, found the right me. We talked of life. And art. And family. The participants sharing honest and brilliant insights, adding to the conversation. I felt as if I was among kindred spirits. The food was AMAZING. Home cooked by a chef, adoring wife, another loving couple, I was the proud fifth wheel. There was no unnecessary drama. Not one individual drew attention to themselves. All shared equal footing, a stage shared by all. We were there to teach each one another how to be, at our finest. Right where I belong, where I deserve to be. No pity party for me.

If we cannot get out of our own way, we are lost. Once we recognize our real strengths, and can contribute to our community of kinders, only then can we find home. Home is a good place to be. It’s only up from here for me.

With much gratitude.

The Ease

This is a dream I had the other night that I am working into a short film script. It is a work of fiction. Names have been changed to protect innocence.
It is the near future and The US is still in a Depression, only now it’s far worse than anyone had ever imagined. The banks have foreclosed on 80% of private residences, leaving the majority of suburbia looking like ghost towns and cities are filling with roach motels. People are living on top of each other, sometimes six to room. No longer can anyone afford privacy. Personal space is a thing of the past.

I had a corner to call my own in a loft apartment of an industrial warehouse with a bunch of young people. It was like a refugee camp, bodies of people camping on their section of the floor. There was little water to go around because the price of water had skyrocketed. Everyone slept in his or her own filth.

A bald, rabid, tattooed guy was being very mean to me, making fun of me. He yelled, pointing his finger in my face, going on about how I never married because I always pick the wrong guy. Perhaps he was flirting with me, but he did so in such a cruel and aggressive manner, upsetting me so much I had to get out of there. I began filling my backpack with what little I had left. It was important to travel lightly. One could never be sure when it was time to relocate. My friend Maggie came out of one of the bedrooms and offered me a cookie to stay. It was her place, paid for years ago in full by her rich father. Food was scarce, and sweets were very hard to come by. I said no, and as I was leaving, Edgar – my former boyfriend – walked thru the front door of the loft space. Maggie liked being surrounded by men. It made her feel safe. Not knowing our past and liking the looks of him, immediately offered him lodging, promising him my corner spot on the floor in exchange for providing her with cigarettes. We did not even acknowledge each other as I brushed past him in disgust.

The clouds in the sky were very dark, giving the air an ominous feel. As I wandered through the streets looking for somewhere to sleep for the night, I heard music coming from a church that had been converted into a nightclub. The dark clouds made it feel like night, even though it was mid afternoon. The club was in full effect, drawing people who needed to seek solace from the dire conditions.

A “new and improved” drug was introduced to the public, almost overnight, that relieved people of their depression instantly. It gave you a euphoric sensation like ecstasy, but without losing your faculties. In fact, it sharpened and heightened your senses. It made you feel uplifted and focused, like you could conquer anything. Of course, people everywhere had been depressed for too long, and the drug was being abused socially. People were grinding it up into a light blue powder and snorting it around the clock.

Unfortunately, the government was none too happy about the ease with which people could get their hands on it. It was released “by the people for the people” by a brilliant billionaire for no cost. It was everywhere.


As I approached the steps of the converted church, I saw a crowd of people surrounding the actor Bill Nighy, who was wearing an American Indian chief headdress and being interviewed for a live news broadcast on the sidewalk in front of the church steps. He was the inventor of this new drug and the white, red, and light blue feathers that framed his face and trailed to the ground bounced as he described the properties of it and the chemical breakdown. He explained how it differs from any other drug from the past because there were no negative side effects to the body whatsoever. He came across as a modern day Timothy Leary/Dirty Harry. Then, in the middle of the interview, he leaned over a metal divider and spit onto the road.

I climbed the steps towards the grand entrance of the club and saw several vaguely familiar faces who offered me a place to stay and some of this new drug. I didn’t want to take it, nor did I want to go inside this club. I sat down on the steps and watched people go in and out of the entrance, constantly putting the backs of their hands up to their noses to sniff the little blue powder they had poured there. Someone put some in front of my face and before I knew what was happening, my face grew numb. Just as I lit a cigarette, my Dad walked up, wearing a tee shirt and cut off shorts and no shoes. I threw the cigarette down before he could see me. He was in good spirits (most likely from the drug because it seemed as if everyone was on it!) and when he saw me, his face beamed as told me someone had stolen his tent. He had found a nice spot near my friend Dominic Chianese from NY, but when he went back there later in the day, Dominic was passed out and someone had taken all of his gear. He smiled as he retold the story.

I felt such sadness for my Dad. I couldn’t even help myself, so what could I do for him? My dad was homeless! But he seemed fine with it, not a care in the world. He continued on down the street in his bare feet. It broke my heart.

Everyone seemed alert and aware that something big was about to happen. It was only a matter of time until the people revolted, because the government had all our money and had turned the United States into a third world country. Unemployment was at almost 100% because there was no money to pay anyone to do anything. The dollar had ceased to have any value whatsoever.

Somewhere within earshot, the news was being broadcast through huge speakers. It blended in with the music coming from the club behind me. The top story was the government’s concern for the impending revolution. They were uncertain as to how far people would go while taking this new drug that seemed to render people uninhibited but ready for action. The problem the government faced was that the drug was released before they could place any kind of restriction on it and they were afraid of ‘rogues’. As I stood there listening to this news broadcast, the sky opened up and it began to pour rain. Everyone ran inside the club. I stood on the steps, getting drenched in rain. The streets were empty. Then, I heard a rumbling. Out of nowhere, Edgar appeared. He was driving a black 1971 mustang fastback, wearing a black shirt and a black hat. I stood there on the steps of the church, watching him slowly pass. I watched as he turned the corner. And then, he vanished.

Global Citizen Embassador

The other day, I received a link from a girl I know. Sanny’s a real dare devil type. I was first introduced to her years ago thru a mutual friend, a successful producer with a three-story house in the hills. She jumped off the second story balcony into the pool below. What nerve. I became an instant fan of hers.

Upon opening the link, I came to understand it’s a kind of contest. Top 5 most compelling videos go before the United Nations. A chance to speak to the world leaders. I watched her video and gave her my notes and moved on. She dared me to submit. How could I say no? Would you say no to a dare? I wouldn't.

I write something, then film it. I stray from Sanny’s strict, in your face these-are-the-facts, ma’am, delivery and go for something warmer. I talk about my Mother. And the values she imparted to us as children. I’m proud of what I came up with, and my mother is tickled upon viewing it. But she has some notes. And then..

And then.. her brother signs onto Instant Messaging at the same time she’s giving me her notes. My uncle, the retired command sargent major, who spent considerable time in Afghanistan. She suggests he might have a thing or two to say to the UN that he, for obvious reasons, cannot say himself. I recruit my mother to suggest it to him. She responds, “Check your email in the morning”.

**

My early morning took a turn. A water main broke in the restaurant that was to host a Women In Film event. Instead, I detour to my dear friends, Rebecca and Eric Liebman. Inside a scrumptious visit with their 2 year old twins over cream cheesy bagels, I share with Rebecca the aforementioned dare, along with said contributions from my mother and my James Bond uncle. Rebecca feels it lacks the personal touch I would bring (not having read my original speech). Her husband is a director, writer who will film it for me proper. I race home from the west side, to rewrite it.

What came of our efforts this evening remains to be seen, by you. I hope you like it (I hope I like it! Eric is on his way home now to edit out the dog barking uncontrollably during my best take of the day! Yay, Eric!) Below is a copy of the speak. No matter what happens with it, I want to thank Sanny for her daring. Eric for his skills and expertise. My mother, my uncle, and Rebecca for their guidance. And Joseph, for his patience. Always.

If I do get selected? We’re ALL having a pow wow. Because I'm going to be taking your notes with me. And THAT speech live? It will POP! Believe it!!

We all experience a time when our developing minds absorb what the adults around us are saying. Their words impact us heavily by shaping the ideals that we eventually value. Even more so, actions and the way we live our own lives help to set the standard for the impressionable to emulate.

My Mother’s voice is the voice I listened to all of my life for guidance and wisdom. Her voice was always a kind and thoughtful voice. She was and is a hippie from the 60’s and as a young woman read a book called “Silent Spring” by Rachel Carson. It changed her whole life. At an early age, she painted a picture for us children of a world that doesn’t litter. A world that doesn’t fight any more. Because we finally grew to understand that there are more important things to do with our brilliant minds than waste them on conflict, greed and war mongering.

She taught her children the importance of protecting our planet and its limited resources by both words and deeds. Don’t waste, don’t pollute and always recycle. This was not limited to material things but included our minds and work ethic as well. Maintain self-respect. Always be truthful. Never compromise your integrity. Be polite. Love others despite disagreeing with them.

We live in a world where we are totally codependent on each other. What happens in one country could lead to the demise of all countries and the world as we know it. The decisions made in one country must consider their impact on all countries. We can no long allow isolationism and ignorance to exist that places our world at risk. Aggression and wars must be replaced by diplomacy and a universal united front. Arrogant and ruthless leaders that jeopardize world peace must be constrained by the unity of all other countries. All countries that show compassion and good will toward their own people and towards other countries should be recognized and encouraged.

Helen Keller said: As selfishness and complaint pervert the mind, so love with its joy clears and sharpens the vision. Helen Keller overcame her own personal obstacles, born blind and deaf, to set a selfless example for all of us to follow. That it is never too late to open our eyes and open our hearts, to set new standards for generations to come. Countries that have fallen into poverty and backwardness must be helped to regain prosperity. In our complex world, countries will have differences and we must agree to be able to disagree. Our leaders should be encouraged to show compassion and to compromise responsibly, with the greatest good for all being the deciding factor. Only then can we feel confident we have leaders who can govern with sovereignty, compassion, dignity, and love.

Lead by example.