Enough Rough Stuff

I remember a time

when I wasn't so blind.

Where fear had no space in the house that is mine.

It wasn't just me that was thriving, we were all diving.

With the means to make it all ours without hurry or worry.

We could think and we could do and we did.


Then some large hammer came down

and knocked us around.

I'm still reeling from the beating

to our collective feeding

of our needing to reach goals of

American Dreaming.


I want to see us rise

above this unsupervised demise

To get back to that state

of simple debate

As to what color bed spread

would go best with the head

of hair of a new love affair

blooming with ideas for more.


It's been too long since many have felt free

of financial debris.

We must remember who are

So we can keep reaching far.

Grab hold of what's dear

and steer ourselves clear.

Make way for the purples and pinks of the day.



It's the doubt that this brought

that subsequently taught we should accept

the worst as our new turf.

Enough of this piss.

We're better than this.

Bring forward the life that we ordered.

Attitude Adjustment

As hard as we think our lives are, there is always someone who has it harder. We know this. But every once in a while, we are handed that glorious reminder. And it’s not easy to face someone else's hardship. Perspective is a bitch. If we have a conscience, if we have a beating heart, we can’t help but put ourselves in their position. Imagine what it would be like to be them. One thing I have learned over the years, we’ve heard it said time and again, is that it’s all about attitude. Well, I got a dose of that tonight. And it was a gorgeous dose.

My friends and I noticed her from a mile off. She radiated. Her shocking, short, blond hair and smile was reminiscent of Marilyn Monroe. Lovely to behold. She was witty and fearless. She approached us and was engaging in a delightful way.

A dancer at Jumbo’s Clown Room – the more interesting a place to see girls dance for dollars in LA because, as she put it, when someone from her past frowned upon her stripping, replied “You had better be talking about reupholstery, because you don’t know Jumbo’s”. That’s why we go there. You see, they don’t have to take it all off. The place draws girls with aspirations to be somebody, to pursue their acting/modeling/music careers without having to feel like they are compromising too much. These girls are gorgeous and they have style – some of them real bona fide dancers.

This one, a superstar, introduced herself as Millions. After further investigating, her real name came out. Malaika, pronounced Ma-like-a. We told her the nickname Millions should come after, a stage name worthy of Vegas. Me like a Millions? She cracked us up with her energy. A real doll of a woman with energy and spontaneity that rivaled anyone I have met in my years of big city living, both NYC and LA.

Her show was light, and fun. She was playful and sexy and very entertaining. But mostly it was her dynamic energy with the crowd. Every girl there performed in her shadow. Off stage, she was the kind of likable that her infectious smile granted: you just wanted more of her. You saw that beautiful, kind face giving itself to children, teaching them the ways of the word with a real inner beauty and confidence. She invited us to a party she’s throwing in the near future – the image on the flyer a bit she did as a performance artist that involved a life-size image of her in a long red dress, leg’s splayed. Participants were invited to poke their head thru a hole cut out between her legs for a photo op of Malaika Millions giving birth to you. Hilarious.

I stepped outside with her, upon her request, away from the noise and crowd. She guided me towards a stunning motorcycle – hers. Magenta body, chrome fixtures, light blue/green suede seat. I have never seen such a cute, sexy bike before. Perfect for this one-of-a-kind. She smoked a long, brown cigarette and told me of her struggle to afford the necessary parts to stop it from leaking. Then said she’s had some surprise health issues and times were very challenging for her. What health issues? I asked, and you don’t have to tell me if you don’t want to, I said. She mentioned a disease that I can’t spell. The fluid that is released into your uterus that holds the baby in place was apparently leaking into her body, scarring neighboring organs and causing all kinds of problems with her immune system. They had to take out her uterus and cervix. It did not fix the problem, her health challenged.

She told me of a party she threw after they performed her hysterectomy. She had a piñata made in the shape of a uterus and filled it with all kinds of fun things, she said. Condoms and lube and farm animals. I chuckled, in spite of what she was telling me. Celebrating her incredible ability to turn something tragic into something remarkable. She handed out hockey sticks to her friends and encouraged them to “Kill it!” It was her “Happy Birthday to Uterus” party. I could not hide my admiration of such bravery. I hadn’t imagined it possible, as a woman who wants children with all her might. And here it was, from the source. She was and is a true beauty. There was no pity. There was no remorse. Only a desire to live and be in her moment of truth, shining so brightly. This beautiful woman wants to live. And not be sick and suffering.

There is so much of my life at present that I would change on a dime if I had the chance. My current career and financial woes, shared by so many, cause undue stress constantly. The uncertainty is so tough, for all of us. But if we could muster one ounce of this angel’s attitude about what life has in store for us, if we could regain and retain that kind of refreshing perspective on what’s really important in life – our very character – we would all be a lot less afraid. And a lot more willing to share our health. What I mean to say is – she did not seem unhealthy to me. Not for one moment. She was the light and I was the moth tonight. I simply adored her. Because to me, she was worth my time. She taught that valuable lesson. That the human spirit cannot be broken. It can stay on top of real grief and flourish. It can offer delight and whimsy and promise for more of what is good and right with the world. That’s what she offered me tonight. And for that, I am grateful. We need to all be more grateful for what we have, because we have a lot. And we always need reminding. Thank you, Malaika. Wow.

A Sign of the Times

I am extremely grateful to all of you who reached out and wished me a personalized message on facebook this year, and the few who called. Thank you for taking the time out to touch me ever so slightly in such a kind manner, especially on a day like one’s birthday. Reading messages next to a collection of thumbnail pictures of the amazing people in my life, however, caused a mixed reaction. One of nostalgia and deep missing. Because there was no party. There was no celebration. No whooping it up and “letting it roar.” My big day was quiet and private, spent with my boyfriend who did his best to care for his Leo Warrior.

As I walked down the street, arm in arm with him, I reflected on this newfound maturity. In years past, I would have been throwing my fists to the air and crying at the injustice. It’s my birthday! Why aren’t I having more fun? Where’s the party, the presents, WHERE’S THE LOVE? I sigh as I write these words, because I feel the adult in me settle in. It will never be as you’d like. People will surprise you as well as disappoint you and to find a healthy balance takes real pressure off of the moment. Let things unfold - a tough lesson for me, who tried to force outcomes constantly, calling it “manifestation”. This year showed me I am not always in charge, so leave it alone. Pick your battles and be at peace with those you have no control over.

If I could paint the picture of my birthday differently, I would have still spent the lovely day with my man. But instead of going to bed at 9:30 (what?) it would have ended with every last one of you in a big room laughing and dancing our butts off!

With Love.

Sucking Lemons

I had a shit day to begin with, filled with indecision and so much uncertainty. How much can a body take? When the answers don't present themselves, and you try to force the outcome (!), waiting for any result can be painful. And the stress? I don’t know a single person who is not stressed right now...

So... My day was sucking lemons.. Could not configure a way out. Showed up at a children's theatre event to photograph my friend's children, only to walk aimlessly looking for something I couldn't find, under the brutal sun carrying a costume and camera... I was hot and frustrated. My real life wasn't presenting any softer landing pad to questions that had no answers. We operate in the now and need things answered immediately so we can act accordingly and appropriately. When you don’t have direction, it’s like being put on hold. I needed to take my finger of the pause button and I couldn't find the remote.

So, I decided to take the old adage by the balls. I’m ashamed to admit this, but I have a lemon tree at the foot of my property. For nearly 6 years, I have not visited that tree, to appreciate it’s offerings, because of where it’s positioned. It's in a precarious spot and extremely difficult to get to. The slope leading down to it would surely make one lose their footing. It’s simply too steep.

But then I got the idea to approach it from the other side, requiring me to scale the wall. I carried a ladder from the house and made my way through rain forest sized Birds of Paradise, used a street sign to pull my body up this wall... only to face an enormous Agave plant.

If you were to impale yourself on one of it’s leaves, you would surely do some damage to a vital organ. I moved slowly and deliberately through the spiked leaves, only to find myself in a swarm of bees! I was frozen, straddling this enormous branch covered in sharp, pointy needles, and my bare legs were surrounded by bees in every direction. And I was still too far to reach the lemons! I waited patiently for a bee to move so I could occupy his space without stepping on him, and pushed forward until finally, I was standing in front of this pretty little lemon tree. I greeted it politely and began filling my bag. The smile on my face resembled a kid on Christmas morning. The tree and the bees both seemed to vibrate around me, creating this pleasant hum. I felt safe and cared for.

Returning to kitchen, I juiced those babies and poured myself a tall glass of lemonade. And then, I proceeded to go out into the world and get a job. A good job, working with cool people. My day turned around just like that. Because I did something different.

Maintaining Essence

I'm not sure what true love means, but I believe in truly loving someone. Without remorse or obligation. Or pain or regret. A future that's filled with promise and hope. Not unnecessary suffering or guilt. Where two people respect each other and grow together. And challenge the other to excel in what they love most. To encourage each other to be their ideal self. To try new things and be a part of the human condition, not separate from it. To give back more than what we have been given. Embracing difficulty with a cool attitude and a steady gaze. Rid yourself of things in your life that don’t serve your well being and happiness.

There is so much ahead. I've learned to maintain my essence through so much hardship. I wear my battle scars with honor. Those near impossible circumstances have not taken an ounce of my core, but have allowed me to find new ways to strengthen it. I stand with gratitude and real pride. I am a woman warrior who has learned if we don’t overcome our conflicts, and free ourselves from the boundaries these conflicts create, we are merely repeating the struggle.

Your environment should be fueled by high expectation of self coupled with hard work and responsibility for your own actions and for your feelings. When we cultivate a higher sense of self worth, based on the standards we set for ourselves, there’s a greater sense of being part of humanity that inspires one to give back on a larger scale. The old adage goes something like – it’s not how long we are here but what we did while we were here that matters. A warrior’s duty is to guard passions and desires, that they may find a way to be channeled creatively towards a higher purpose. I strive for grace and selflessness every day. And the courage to defend my right to seek truth in everything.

Steel Your Spine

I had the extreme good fortune of hearing our vice president Joe Biden speak last night at a gathering for Senator Barbara Boxer. While describing the Senator’s character to us, he reminded me of what I’ve known for a long time. In times of real struggle and turmoil, only then can great change occur. Change cannot happen if you sit stagnant. What he admires most about her, he said, is her gut. Gut guides the heart. Together they work with the mind to make intelligent decisions. I realized then how complicated I had let my life become. I stood there, wiping the tears from eyes. Steel your spine, he said. We can get through this. And I know he’s right.

He told us when he was a young boy, his father had to make that difficult climb up the stairs to inform Joe that he had lost his job. And that Joe would have to live with his grandmother while his father found work in the neighboring town. He relayed the difficulty his father faced in having to ask such a favor of his own mother. There are so many who have sacrificed so much. Those fighting and dying in a current war, those who have lost their homes, others struggling for their right to legally call themselves Americans. The perspective is always sobering.

I wiped another tear from my eye and that’s when I heard it - the call of a female hawk. She came out of nowhere and flew above our heads. Her white and black patterned chest stood out against the clear, blue sky. A second later, the red- tailed male soared after her. His wings were broad, eyes piercing into mine as I stared, stunned. To have not one, but two hawks fly so close to you.. and chase each other playfully! In that magical moment, I missed my beautiful man. And the life we are to have together if we keep focused on what’s important. We both have lived full lives already. Soon, it would be time to build a family of our own. I raised my head and felt capable of taking better care.

Overcome

Recently, I spent time in New York for an important national holiday. I found myself enveloped in the good company of old friends who understand what the time and distant apart means to each and every one of us. The volume in the room gave it away. We were happy to be together and grateful for the freedom we all felt. There was so much delicious food and wine. One girl even made a fresh wild berry pie that had to be the best I’d ever had in my life. There was so much sharing and laughter, I was reminded how much I truly enjoy the adventure my life is.

There’s been so much to overcome this year. It’s difficult to stay positive all the time. Each of us, as individuals, must figure out our own paths. But we must also recognize that there are others right beside us on the same journey. With enough trust, those nearest and dearest to us can show us how to make it work! I’ve resisted being told what to do my entire life. When I have reached out to others, I have allowed myself to absorb their good intentions and receive their smart advice. We are here to share with one another more than anything else. We don’t have to live alone. Because the only thing that matters is how we connect with each other. It’s vital to our happiness, our health, and the survival of the human race on this planet.

I never used to think life was all that hard, until it neared impossible. I was always able to see beyond the pain of regret and loss, and feel strength in the knowing that I can overcome anything. I thought that’s why I’m special. But that’s what makes all of us special. So today, and each day, I will start to make more of a concerted effort with those around me. To be kind. To listen. And to give back whenever there is something to give. I want to take part in the shift that must occur for us all to get back to a place of love and resourcefulness. It feels better than anything else I can think of.