I once believed there was someone for everyone. I thought love was a very real thing and could be found if you stayed the course and refused to give up. Keep your heart open, they told me, and love will find its way in.The pain was unbearable. Love disappointed me too many times. As I tried to hold my head high, the tears poured out of my eyes. Just then Love smacked me across my proud face and she said “What's the big idea?” to which I replied, “I’m looking for love. The kind that's caring and supportive and inspiring.” And Love laughed at me, “You don’t get it. You’re all you’ve got. You are enough.”
I didn’t listen to her and followed my heart again. I knew this next one, if lost, was going to hurt most of all. This one was my first love. My high school sweetheart! We reunited after 15 some odd years. The way it felt in our moments of true passion.. Well, I thought I was set. I could not imagine life without him, ever. We had wasted too much precious time apart already. I was certain he would be my last.
Now, I stand before Love once more. She is compassionate this time. She tends to my wounds, wipes my tears, and speaks in soothing tones.. “It’s you, it’s always been you. Don’t you see?”
“See what?” I cry. “That I’m all alone again? That everywhere I look, there are couples cohabitating, getting married, having babies? That I’ve waited my entire life to love and be loved in return and it has never worked out for me? EVER???”
Love takes a deep breath, clears her throat, and says gently, “Your idea of what love is cannot be made real. You have too much to do in this life, and until you find that within yourself that needs no other, you will not be complete, you will not feel satisfaction. You need to be enough for yourself in order to find happiness”
“But I have done the work! I’ve spent years and years alone and enjoy the company I keep! I like who I am! But my relationships still continue to fail. What am I doing wrong?”
Love sighs, “My darling, if you were to never find this ‘other half’, if you were never to have the beautiful wedding you’ve always imagined, if your children were merely to pass as discarded eggs, would you still be the same you that you’ve always been?”
“What?” I cry. “No! Never!!”
Love is patient. She says softly, “Would you still strive to be a great woman warrior? Would you continue to write and sing and celebrate your life? Would you still dance with abandon and laugh loudly and throw your hands in the air, letting the wind remind your skin and hair that you’re still very much alive? Can you still count on yourself to defy pain others may try to inflict upon you? Will you remain true to the virtues that steer you close to grace?
"You, my darling girl, have a blessed life. And it’s all yours. To share, to smirk at the odds, to tackle the challenges head on with that broad smile of yours. You have always fought for your essence and have made some incredible friends who miss you when your focus gets diluted and an incredible family that hates to see your emotions get strained. Love is not about struggle. Love is enlightening and fun. It’s possibility and exploration and full of childlike surprise. It’s not damage and regret and sorrow. It’s not guilt ridden and it certainly doesn’t want to see you cry. It’s warm and it embraces promise with both arms. Not because it must do so, but because it wants to.”
* * *
When I look back on how things could have gone differently, how it feels to have lost the love of my life, my heart aches immeasurably. But I figure this: As much as it hurts to have failed, I know life has something in store for all of us. We just have to hang on when things seem most difficult. Sure, romantic love can be so fulfilling. But defining your self worth is more important than staying the course with someone who is depleting your life force. Remember to hold tight to what feels most right so that you may continue to enjoy the moments of your life. Expand your capacity for wonder. Stand up and defend your dreams. No one can take you away from yourself, unless you let them. Don’t let them.
from a dear friend, the woman in the picture with me, taken in Costa Rica..
ReplyDeleteMy dear Alethea,
I read your blog post this morning, as my angel and her daddy (farted) and slept peacefully. If anything this life has to teach is the beauty of simple moments. As I read your post I still heard the sad girl longing for love in her life. You seem to have it all except the one thing you really want. A partner and a baby to call your own. I have both of these now but long to have what you seem to have so easily. FREEDOM, freedom to just take a bath. Freedom to travel anywhere in the world you would like to see. I can not tell you how many days since the birth of my daughter I longed to just have a day to myself to indulge and shave my legs or go have a night out with the girls. So while motherhood may seem very appealing, it is not with out its troubles as well. Let alone travel uninhibited to some exotic location. I feel very blessed that I was able to live in costa rica and travel as I did, but being soooooo tied down now also has its troubles. Don't get me wrong here, I LOVE being a mom and my daughter is a gift from god as is her daddy. But I would love to travel as freely as you do.
If anything my dear, enjoy the life you have now. Rather than focusing on the lack of love, embrace your freedom! If I could, I would jump on a plane impulsively and fly to Bali all by myself just for the grand adventure of it. I'd buy a house in the deserts of Jerome Arizona and teach yoga to crazy artists and poets traveling through. These things will probably never happen any time in the foreseeable future for me, because I have a child to care for and raise and a partner who is content to work at the same job he has had for the last 8 years. Some days, there is nothing in the world I wish I could do more than just get up and go with no one to answer to, or diapers to change. But that is motherhood, a completely selfless job where you give up who you were before in the hopes of giving unconditionally all that you are to another small person in training. There are days I would like nothing more than to just sit and paint for hours uninterrupted, but a waking baby and wet diaper sees that these activities come in small bursts when she is sleeping.
So it is I say to you, with love and compassion, embrace your freedom and jump on a plane to anywhere. Bali maybe, or Jerome Arizona, Venice, France. Go because you can- and don't look back. Write in your blog to me and tell me how amazing it is, just to be able to travel somewhere absolutely amazing. Sit and drink wine with some incredible french man and have an exotic love affair by the Senne River. Hunt some lions and tigers down with your camera and send them back to me with love in your heart and a smile on your beautiful face.
My baby is crying now, so I must go, but know dear one, we make the life of our dreams and who knows, perhaps your love is waiting for you in Paris, or London or Rome, AHHh Rome.
God always gives us exactly what we need to learn the lesson this life has called us to learn, I am sure it is no different for you as with me.
Merry Christmas sweet lady, hold you head and heart high and look to the horizon, for as the sun sets here in the west, a new day is dawning in the east. Much Love and blessings on your journey.
Safe travels,
Mirabai